Winter sky

Accepting dementia.....

My Stepfather turned 86 last week but has dementia.  The hardest part of it for me is knowing he really loves me, yet that too is what causes him angst as he thinks he should have loyalty first and foremost to his own children who were all grown up when he left their mother to be with mine, when I was only 3 years of age.  The irony is he confuses who they all are except for one and that in doing this feels frustrated because he thinks he should love them more than me and cannot seem to realise that he can love us all the same.

He doesn't seem to register that Dexter is my son, and when we visited him kept referring to him as a little girl, and the daughter of his daughter.  Dexter was really good about it as he understood that his mind was not there, but that too made Dexter really sad as he desperately would love him to be a grandfather to him and although he knows he is this he also understands that his mind is slowly crumbling.  

My stepfather (funny me writing this as until my Mother died I always called him my Dad) knew who I was, but appeared confused too because he sees me as a teenager and doesn't expect me to have a son or husband!  He recognises Anders, but not as my husband (both Anders and I think) but as someone who he remembers as being familiar and nice.

The really good thing about seeing him now is that he has gotten over the angry stage where he was angry with me, my mum for having died, and for generally not being in control of what is going on with his mind.  This was something that resulted in me stopping seeing him frequently as it upset Dexter too much not to mention me!  Now he is just calm and "content", probably because of the volumes of pills he has to take and for that I am grateful as it means that I feel as though I can now visit without the dread of leaving having been shouted at or having caused him to feel anger. 

My mum and I both loved this photograph which still hangs in their house.

So when we went round to see him for his birthday, I showed him and Dexter some old photographs, but he didn't recognise his own family including his own mother, but he knew who I was and who my Mum was.  I told them both who the people in the photographs were to which my Dad said "they could be but I don't know" but in a way that was confusing in itself to him as he was wondering how I could know these things as he didn't but was accepting of it all, again probably down to the medication.

Freezing temperatures and more snow forecast!

Outside the snow has melted, and the only traces of it are huge ugly big black mounds of it in supermarket car parks and on lawns where people have shovelled it in a bid to get roads cleared when it first fell.  Think I will take some photographs of that and will post them up later!  In central Edinburgh however, there is very little of that to be seen, although some streets still have ice on the pavements/roads which don't have a lot of traffic, and therefore the gritters have not ventured.

This morning, I opened the curtains and saw very light snow falling again, which turned to rain and then snow again.  It is not heavy enough to settle and accumulate, however, we are told that this is about to change and that we are to be prepared for another dose of snow 5 - 10 cm!  Will we therefore have a white Christmas and if so will people freeze and panic too?  

Today as I dropped Dexter off at School and chatted to some of the other parents who I bumped into some said that they hoped it wasn't going to happen as they were needing to be out and about and you could see some anxiousness starting to creep in, which I can understand.  I am much more chilled about it however as neither I or anyone else have any control over whether the weather will decide to dump more snow on us or not.  

I know people who are planning to travel to loved ones in other parts (here and abroad) next week and of course now don't know if this will happen and you can see the start of tension building up.  I of course have my sister flying over too but also see no point in worrying over what you cannot control and it is not usual for me to be so "chilled".  

Because I cannot control what I can't control, I am not going to fight over food supplies either, which I can see happening if people start to panic buy if the weather looks as though it is going to close in.  I have not set a menu in my head, and will make a feast even though it might not be a Turkey as is the normal tradition over here!

So for now, the outside weather seems to be the "hot" topic of conversation which is not going to freeze up any time soon!

Muscles the Viking robber from Dundee!

My Anders, I think he looks Nordic with his blond flowing hair and beard and moustache, but he is no robber and he is not from Dundee!

He is very mischievous and funny....

 .... so given I am now on the topic of Nordic and Vikings, Dexter had to write a biography today about a fictitious character (I know I am trying to get my head round that but I like the story he came up with).  He decided to write a story about a made up person called Muscles the Viking robber from Dundee.  It went like this:

Muscles was born in a village just outside Dundee in the year 1301.  He came from a poor family, his father was a carpenter and his mother a seamstress.  His Father was known as the Village Idiot!

Muscles was made fun of because he was so dumb and weak.  One day he got so fed up of being the weakest in the village , when he got home, he lifted one potato in each hand.  The second day two potatoes in each hand until he could lift one hundred potatoes in each hand.

Eventually he was the strongest in his village so the first thing he decided to do was to go and steal a potato from the Greengrocer.  He was so pleased with himself, he decided to be a robber!

Well he definitely has inherited a lot of Ander's genes as he definitely has an imagination and a sense of humour too.

On a different note, I am a guest writer over at Anika's  which is really exciting.  I hope my story about Santa makes you laugh, and who knows you may pick up a tip or two!!!  Maybe I have some humour too?

Alternatively, if you would like to see a video of us Decorating our Christmas Tree it is at the end of this post link...

Life is one big intertwining movie....

Video inspiration is not something I had really contemplated until Anika put it up as a challenge!  I suppose that is what challenges are all about taking you out of your normal thought process.  So for me it felt like having to write an essay (I know, god help us) in a way to justify or clarify in my head what I was doing/seeing!  

Having really gotten hooked on taking photographs earlier this year my eyes now take on an additional role.  They have become my own camera with the gadgets and lenses I use being different glasses for a crude interpretation.  My eyes and brain are now desperately trying to get what I am feeling, seeing and experiencing conveyed through whatever gadget I am using, getting my brain to try and process it so it can be shared with whoever might find it of interest in a way that will mean something to them too, not least of all me and my loved ones. I have become more aware of those little moments that can pass you by but are actually in themselves something meaningful (if you want it to be) - good, bad, pretty and ugly as that is life.

So video inspiration is another take on it.  The interesting videos you see (the ones that make you feel something), is just an animation of a series of images which make the situation come to life.  Movies are images in motion!  Without sound you have a silent movie, maybe for some that is a good thing!  Photographs too therefore are in themselves interpretations of what the person having taken them has chosen to see.  Sometimes they are well articulated and other times not, a bit like storytelling, neither of which I profess to be good at!  The above picture as an example your brain naturally process it into something with meaning, but without images before or after it or a narrative it is left to your imagination as it is only one piece of something bigger.  

This image because of it's wintry landscape and of course the Christmas Trees, having followed the above picture potentially now give your brain a connection (two pieces of a puzzle), so in effect here is maybe the start of a story.

So this task turned out to push me into trying to articulate what images mean to me in a way that I am still trying to get my head around and that is what makes it an interesting journey for me!   I have so many ideas and images which I would like to share and I feel like I am changing because of it.  Not changing in who I am, but opening up a part of my brain which I didn't use in this way, and in doing so I am on a journey, innocently meandering and exploring like a child although with the brain of a grown up (at times) - sounding like Freaky Friday!!  

Movies and videos are to me are a whole series of images that combined together make up a story.  Cinematography can be really beautiful, like a photograph.  Each frame, when done right, in itself can be an amazing image and I now am so aware of that when I watch the tv or a film this is also what in some cases I notice and am blown away by - inspired by in the same way that I can be flicking through a story, image, magazine, newspaper, book, blog, blah, blah, blah.

So I will end on the home video which given the impromptu nature of it please forgive my awful appearance!  I thought that this might serve as my family's collaboration!  One, it captures Dexter and I decorating the Christmas tree in our extension, and two it was taken on the Olympus Pen, my lovely camera which I use to take photographs.  The video means something to us, but I also hope demonstrates through my blog entry what I was trying to say in this post which I have done for ACoLab - photographs are a series of moving images that make up a video and story!

Also, I am a guest writer over at Anika's  which is really exciting.  I hope my story about Santa makes you laugh, and who knows you may pick up a tip or two!!!

Wake up, wake up.....

This is what I woke up to on my Birthday last week, I just love my Dexter who makes me so so happy and I love his bed head hair!

He was so excited to make my day special, he made mistakes playing with his over enthusiasm, oh, how sweet!  Then I got my card from him and the presents he had made.....

all of that and getting an old vintage Russian lens to put on my camera, that makes me happy as it looks cool!  Look forward to trying it out and seeing what images I get from it!

Also, I am a guest writer over at Anika's  which is really exciting.  I hope my story about Santa makes you laugh, and who knows you may pick up a tip or two!!!

Getting into the spirit of Christmas...

....even the Maultasch Baby has gotten dressed up for Christmas!

But the snow has all melted, as you can see and I miss it.  Gone is all the beautiful white.

...and with us having gotten the Christmas Tree up in our house, I guess it is time for me to thaw out too to the idea of it all; yes I suppose it is time for me to melt into the magical moment of it all too - bah humbug!  Ha, ha, ha - or should I say ho, ho, ho!!