My Stepfather turned 86 last week but has dementia. The hardest part of it for me is knowing he really loves me, yet that too is what causes him angst as he thinks he should have loyalty first and foremost to his own children who were all grown up when he left their mother to be with mine, when I was only 3 years of age. The irony is he confuses who they all are except for one and that in doing this feels frustrated because he thinks he should love them more than me and cannot seem to realise that he can love us all the same.
He doesn't seem to register that Dexter is my son, and when we visited him kept referring to him as a little girl, and the daughter of his daughter. Dexter was really good about it as he understood that his mind was not there, but that too made Dexter really sad as he desperately would love him to be a grandfather to him and although he knows he is this he also understands that his mind is slowly crumbling.
My stepfather (funny me writing this as until my Mother died I always called him my Dad) knew who I was, but appeared confused too because he sees me as a teenager and doesn't expect me to have a son or husband! He recognises Anders, but not as my husband (both Anders and I think) but as someone who he remembers as being familiar and nice.
The really good thing about seeing him now is that he has gotten over the angry stage where he was angry with me, my mum for having died, and for generally not being in control of what is going on with his mind. This was something that resulted in me stopping seeing him frequently as it upset Dexter too much not to mention me! Now he is just calm and "content", probably because of the volumes of pills he has to take and for that I am grateful as it means that I feel as though I can now visit without the dread of leaving having been shouted at or having caused him to feel anger.
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| My mum and I both loved this photograph which still hangs in their house. |
So when we went round to see him for his birthday, I showed him and Dexter some old photographs, but he didn't recognise his own family including his own mother, but he knew who I was and who my Mum was. I told them both who the people in the photographs were to which my Dad said "they could be but I don't know" but in a way that was confusing in itself to him as he was wondering how I could know these things as he didn't but was accepting of it all, again probably down to the medication.
Heartbreaking. It must be so hard.
ReplyDeleteIt used to be really hard when he was angry all the time but now he has gone past that stage which actually makes me happy as I think visiting him is much more pleasant for us all.
ReplyDeleteOh, it is so very sad. Glad you visit him and your son is so understanding as it could be very confusing for him, too.
ReplyDeleteKrystyn, thanks for leaving me a comment, and I glad that now I can see him without upsetting him, my son and me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this emotional post...it reminds me of my last visit with my grandmother, whom I hadn't seen for over 10 years during which time her mind had all but succumbed to alzheimer's. I am forever grateful that she recognized me (something I'm told happened very rarely at that point) and was even lucid enough for a few moments to ask me some questions about what I was doing now, even though the answers confused her. She didn't understand that the baby I had with me was my son, but that's ok...she thought he was adorable and the fact that he brought her joy in the moment is enough for me :D
ReplyDeleteThis was so touching. This is one of my biggest fears, that someday my mind will slip away from me, or worse, my husband's. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with such a devistating illness. But you seem to have such a real outlook on it, and thats inspiring.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Joanna. It is strange feeling all those emotions all at once...happy to have him in your life, trying to stay present while putting pieces of the past together IN the present, feeling sad for him and for what you want to be different... Very touching post my friend.
ReplyDeletexo
Anika
Thank you Tezzie, Tia and Anika, for leaving comments and I am glad you all enjoyed reading this post. I wasn't sure how to write about this before yesterday/today, but then it happened in part because I know that the worst parts of this illness (as in the angry and mean parts) have been and gone and in part because having my camera seems to be a vehicle for me to say the things that I feel, see, think and observe - that in itself is quite a surprise as I never thought that when I started taking photographs and writing this blog and it is quite cathartic!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes to you and your family. Both of my grandfather suffered from demential and ultimately alzheimer's. Such ugly diseases. It'a so painful to watch those you love slowly lose themselves. We found ways to laugh about the angry/mean stages - mostly because it was so out of the blue for my grandfathers, and just focused on how we could serve them as they served us.
ReplyDeleteIt is always hard to watch someone you love not remember important things anymore. Beautiful pictures though and thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome JM PHotoArt and thank you for the complement
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